Bedbugs and Alzheimer's

TW: Mild depictions of child abuse/neglect

I have not seen my mom in about 12 years. She was one of my abusers. A violent drunk. Racist. I had enough in my early 20s. I cut her off completely and (what looks like) permanently.

Last week I was contacted by a social worker in a city two hours away. This person informed me that my mother is in a hospital room, recovering from an extreme bedbug infection. on top of that, they mentioned she is showing signs of Alzheimer's.

This information elicited such a vast array of emotion in me. I was disgusted, and could totally see my mother reducing herself to such a grim portraiture. I was sad; the thought of any human in that position is grotesque. A little part of me felt vindicated that my lifelong abuser was suffering. A slightly bigger part of me felt guilty in response.

The social worker was looking for someone to take over as her Power of Attorney. Mom told her she didn't have any kids but they looked anyway and found my number. I wanted so badly to say flat out no. But something in me wanted to sit on the idea, gain some outside perspective, and make a decision later.

I spoke with my half-sister, who is about 18 years my senior and lives in another state. The social worker called her too. We have a younger sister, 4 years younger than me, who has been successful in flying under the radar. Attempts to contact her have turned up moot. The conversation then turned to a debate over which one of us - my half-sister or me - will take care of our abuser for the rest of her life.

It was at this point I decided to email my therapist. I mostly wanted to summarize this issue so she could read it in advance of our next session. I knew I was going to need help processing this. To my surprise, she emailed back just a few moments later.

She informed me of a process I was not aware of - public guardianship. In a nutshell, if my mom's bloodline does not want to step in on her behalf the state will assign a worker to that role. The moral dilemma of -do i take care of my abuser or let a human die alone in filth- is totally lifted by this scenario.

Say what you might about the quality of care and consideration she'll receive under the state's care - the fact that they have not been abused or neglected by her for a lifetime will ensure they'll make far less biased decisions than I might.

What do you think about this dilemma? What would you do in my situation? Have you been in my situation? Your perspective is always valid and valued.

Early Morning Musings

It is currently 5:30 am. It is pitch black outside, hardly anybody is out and about. The air feels clean and still.

I am at my place of work.

For the last couple years I have been incrementally setting my alarm earlier and earlier. It is currently going off every morning at 4:25 am. These early mornings are now quite valuable to me as they enable me to get things done.

When I get to the music school in the early mornings I feel empowered. Empowered to buckle down and get it done. What is "it," exactly?

IT - all of it. My wife and I own the only school of music in our city, and as such, there's much to get done. Creating and sending invoices, advertising, scrubbing toilets, repairing instruments, running payroll, reviewing curriculum, planning events... the list goes on.

For me, the best time to do all that is between the hours of 5 and 7 am.

I enjoy the peace of this time of day. Before the sun is up the air feels so clean. Almost delicate, as if I could tear it if I make too loud a sound. There is less sensory input - not as many cars on the street, nobody's tv or speakers are on, most of the birds are sleeping.

What I like most is the solitude.

Solitude is a state in which I absolutely love to be. I get the work done when I'm by myself. I hear music more fully and intently when I'm by myself. My mind is open and curious when I am alone, which begets learning. I feel productive.

My wife asked me this morning, all sleepy-eyed, "did you actually set your alarm for this early?" Others rarely understand why I do this, and that's okay. I don't do this for others.

For the next three uninterrupted hours I will begin restoring a beautiful 1961 champagne sparkle Slingerland. I will listen actively to music while I do so. My wife and kids will be sleeping, all will be well, and I will go through the rest of the day with a sense of accomplishment.

I am curious, have you tried waking up earlier than usual to be productive? Have you made it a habit or is it a tool you use once in a while? Does the thought of waking up before the sun make you say no way? Let me know down below, let's discuss this madness!

My first ever blog! What to expect-

If you're here reading my blog, first of all, thank you.

Over the course of its lifespan, this blog will cover a wide swath of topics relating to my everyday life.

To keep it brief, I am a #percussionist and #musicteacher (I co-own a music school with my wife, and I also teach at an elementary school on the #pechanga indian reservation. My wife Julia and I raise three kids together (she's also a doula!) and serve on the board of directors of our local #hemetconcertassociation. I have standing gigs with a #jazz band and an #orchestra, compose, record, and produce #music (I'm working on my first ever solo release), read a ton of #books, and...

...I'm doing all of this as a person freshly diagnosed with #ptsd and #bipolardisorder.

As I do my best to grow, to break cycles, traverse the world of #parenthood while attempting to balance business #management and creative output, I feel this blog will be a great place to explicitly lay out the world as I see it from this unique perspective.

Trigger Warning:

From time to time there will be mention of my horrific, violent upbringing. I may recount times I've hurt others. Mentions of abuse, neglect, sexual trauma, drug abuse, and related topics will pop up. None today though.

I intend for this blog to serve not just as an output for dark/difficult emotions, but mostly for the joyous ones I frequently feel so intensely yet stuff them inside. My core self is highly joyous, and is driven by love. THAT is what I intend to convey, and I do hope you'll participate with me.

My site (in progress atm) will also be a hub for all of my gigs, speaking engagements, events, and music I release. I will also frequently link to my music school, and I have a set of lesson videos in the works I will release for free in the future. So many goodies here - come for one but please stay for as many as you can benefit from.

With love,

Will from Willdebietz